Take care of yourself

Ok, so usually I write and rant about my love life... I thought I would change that for once and ... Rant about something else! In the past few days I have been trying to make something for myself. I was trying to open up an online shop. Well After spending around 20 hours on the project I got a few calls. I think around 3 or 4. A few asked for 50% discount which was not really "profitable" and the rest just found excuses to come at my house and pickup the object. One was a oceanographer : "i would have love to come view the item but i am presently working on sea as an oceanographer and there is no way i could get off sea to view the item.". Wow sounds fascinating ... at first then again I did a research and to my amazement! IT WAS A SCAM. Oh noes! Yes life sucks this episode thought me nothing new about how bad people can be. The worst part is trying hard to be "pure" and right with the world. It's like playing real life minesweeper... You realize you live in a shit world when you have 9 bombs around you. Well so then what can I do about it? Should I do something about it? Everyone wants something... It seems that this is the only reason that the world goes around. Seriously I would trade half of my properties for a gf to hug. Ok so this is what I want.. but what does everyone want? I am sad... and disappointed. I feel that everything I fight for and everything that keeps me going is a lie...

What follows is probably one of the most inspiring videos I have ever seen. I hope that this can keep you strong and right. As a fun fact: Charlie Chaplin entered a "Lookalike Charlie Chaplin" contest and arrived 3rd.

What is the best part about being a kid?!

Back in the days, I was a huge fan of mangas! 10 years ago I just stopped watching them all together. I don't know why and how that happened but it just did. I was watching Naruto and Bleach from episode one, every week and one day *PUFF* no more. 2 days ago I was thinking that there are a couple of anime that I would like to see. Death Note and Detective Conan came to mind. Yes i know, I am old and bla bla bla... Oh well. Everyone is as old as they think they are, right?! I have been on intensive treatment of Death Note, I have watched 20 episodes between yesterday and today.

And yes as usual, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I ended up thinking about the love(?) between Light and Misa. I have to say that I have not finished the whole series so I dont know how things will end up between them but ... I LOVE MISA! Yes one could argue that I fall in love quite easily and that is kind of true... but i love certain aspect of people. I love how Misa is committed to Light even tho he made it quite clear that he didn't want to be with her. She just knows that he is the love of her life.

Light is such a bastard but still he started to care for her and protect her. As weird as it sounds I find myself in this type of love. Ok it must suck to love someone that clearly says " i am using you " but if this is what you feel and you know that it is true and for some random reason it ends up being true love... well then it would be MAGIC. I am not sure that I would have the power to do what Misa did. But if a girl was able to do something like this for me ... if if if... I am not even sure that I would like it to be honest. Maybe i would take her for granted and since there are no obstacles I would not want her. It's really hard to understand what I want... I mean, I know what I want but... I don't know how to get it... AAAAAAAA.. Sometimes I just want to scream!!

At the end of the day I always end up with more questions than answers.

End of Financial Year?!

How about the end of love year report?! How was your performance during the past year. Well I am not sure if my love trend was worse than the European stock exchanges but it was a fair fight.

So lets see the indexes:

Elle

- All in all it was a good year for Elle. The start was promising but there were a few bumps on the way. Even tho it was a long distance relationship we managed to make it work for a while. Until 2013 when we broke all communications. Whenever someone asks me what I think about their relationship, I answer with more questions. Is she your first and last thought of the day? Whenever a phone rings you hope it is her even tho she doesn't have that number? Do you often think of a scenario where she pops up in front of your house asking you to live forever together? For me that person is Elle. 6 long months have passed since we last spoke and I still hope to see her again. Unfortunately this is my dream and not hers. And as it happens in most cases, dreams are bound to be unreachable. I often find myself planning on going there and surprise her, show her that for me she is everything but the next day I realize that this would just end up being one of those sad stories where the boy finds out that she has someone else. To backup my hypothesis I called her for her birthday last month and a guy answered the phone. Now in my head I try to justify her saying that it was probably her brother but reality slaps quite hard so I have to let go.

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Tram

- Ok I know the name sounds funny and probably if I were to tell you that Tram's friend is called Truk it would be even funnier. My mom sure had a laugh for 2 hours about it. This story was short and intense?! Maybe. Let's start from the beginning. I went to check my uncle who recently broke his leg. We spoke about the accident and about life in general and at one point he remembered about a girl that he wanted me to meet. Usually my uncle is not the most thoughtful person in the world and the fact that he called this girl 5 times in a row made me think. Well Tram is a foreign girl that wanted to find a husband in order to be able to stay here. The first time we met she didn't strike me as the most beautiful girl in the world but that is part because my head is still thinking of Elle instead she was very kind and I loved the fact that she would smile all the time. Things went fine until we spoke about where we came from and she realized that I was not able to keep her here even if wanted to. Unfortunately I am a foreigner in this country as well. We still went off to the casino where we had a pleasant night together with 2 common friends. They dropped me off at my house and before going away she actually stayed behind and reached for a kiss. Being as shy as it gets I was super embarrassed and kissed her cheek instead. We spoke on the phone the next day and decided to go out only the 2 of us. So I took her to the movies and we saw Total War Z which is a nice movie ( I was expecting a bit better!! ). We spent most of the film keeping each-other's hand or was it only me that kept her hand.. I am actually still wondering how the things went down. Anyway after the movie we went home because the time was already late. And here we go again his Shyness a.k.a. me didn't have the courage to kiss her so I went for a hug ?!!?!?!?! WHAT?!?!? yes i did it!! i went for a hug and she wanted a kiss. So... ok your thinking "you ruined it" and I say... well not yet wait. Since I realized that she actually wanted a kiss and I wanted it as well I said it out loud "I am going to kiss you now"... who in their right mind would do anything like this?! AND WHY?!?! ok this could have not gone worse.. but it did she actually moved away and made me kiss her cheek. Sigh, Sob, Sad. Before this whole melodrama happened I asked her if she wanted to come for dinner at my moms house. I was genuinely thinking "well she must be bored to stay all day at home so maybe she would enjoy something different". She didn't actually take my proposal with joy and I could have bet that she would turn it down the next day. And she did. She was actually ill the night we went out so I know it was not just an excuse. After her text saying that she was ill and that she could not come the next day we didn't speak to each-other again... No skype, no phone, no sms, no nothing. Ok I am the boy and I should have called her I suppose. But for crying out loud why should I always be the one fighting for both... If she really wanted to go out again she would have called.

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Kyoko

- Oh my... This has gone on for like.. FOREVER?! Yes Kyoko is probably the one that got away. Well or should I say that I am the one that got away. I suppose the roles exchanged over the years a few times. We met back in 2010 ( i think ) in Denmark Copenhagen. I have to say that I planned this trip for years and I always thought that this is the place where I would find the love of my life. And maybe I did, maybe I was just to blind to see that she was just in front of me. Back then I was a broke uni student that wanted to travel the world. And so was she. Her dreams fascinated me so much that I could have spent hours listening to what she wanted to do with her life. She was studying to become a cinema script writer. I read some of her pieces and even tho her English ( like mine ) is still a bit rough they were quite inspiring. There are small things that made me see the future we could have together. Everything she would say was an expression of some remote thought I had hidden in chambers of my head. Kyoko's favorite day of the week is Saturday because she knew that the next day was still free. Her thoughts on love were of a unique partner that she would not change for the rest of her life. Which i know sounds a bit cliche but the way she expressed these thought were like hearing myself speak. Even when we had disagreements she would find the arguments that I would have used against me. After spending 3 days together in Denmark we kept in touch and in the fall of 2011 ( i think again ) she came to Italy .. for me?! Well she said that in Japan people spend Christmas with the person they love.. guess what.. she stayed until the new years eve. Things were not easy. I was not living alone and I was spending 60% of my day in front of the computer playing games. I do have some great memories, but I think to myself... Maybe for her those memories were not so good. I took her in the scariest place ever. In the middle of the forest walking on a path that would have been 1.5 meters wide with a cliff on the side. She was really scared and hold my hand all the way to the top. Well.. I took here there because for me that was the most beautiful place, once you reach the top of the hill you could see all the city lighted up. The view is fantastic and I could not have thought of anything more romantic. New years was not so great I was actually mad at her for something that happened a few days before. We were at the movies with some friends and she had this little chunk of hair on her face so I thought that it would be super nice to move it away but what I got in return was "Don't touch me". I have thought and thought about that moment and I was really sad about how it all went. Only months after she left Italy a friend explained to me that in Japan people are not allowed to touch each-other in public. I find that to be the saddest thing on earth. I love human contact. I love holding hands and having someone hug me by surprise. To forward the story to the recent days... Kyoko has changed, all the light and sparkles that she had are fading away. She has a boyfriend now. And this is actually my fault. We planned to go to Paris together. But Paris was not my dream it was her's I didn't have anything, I was a nobody, I didn't have a job and Europe was not the best place to live during that period. My mom was also sick and she asked me to go and see her so I let Kyoko follow her dreams and I followed mine. I found myself in situations where I thought people needed help and they actually didn't. Or at least they didn't want me to help. I really and deeply think that Kyoko is truly unhappy and that she will never be happy. She is devoured by guilt where she has no fault. Every 3/4 months I would receive a message from her saying: I had enough I want to come there and spend some time with you. And every single time I am nice to her and try to help her out she runs away from me. Until now. 3 days ago we spoke and she told me that she was going to get married with him. She actually used the words " TRY to see if it works", in my love philosophy the word TRY has no place. You don't try love you know it is there. And I told her that this was not the Kyoko I knew. Anyway since I don't seem to get anything right she had an accident the next day because she was thinking of what I told her. So I thought maybe... I am doing it all wrong. I should tell her that she actually meant a lot to me and that I would really like her to come here. So this morning I sent her a message asking what were her feelings for me and unfortunately she said that she wanted to be friends and that if things would not work between her and him she would like to try us again. I spent hours thinking of why and what and I came up empty handed. I seriously cant fight for the 2 of us. And I don't want to. I said what I wanted to say and she made her choice. I don't want to be anyone's second best.